[Beneath the force of that question, Silent Salt cannot help but look away. There is no good answer, no matter how he might try to spin it.]
In that moment, I felt nothing short of agony. Those that I believed to be my brethren had willingly turned against me, even after I had mourned their loss. And I believed their people, believed you to have been complicit in their actions.
[Now, he has reason to doubt. Not just the actions of the Beasts, but his own as well. If the Sugar of Happiness had succumbed to despair over her own duty, then he should have known it. He was meant to be solidarity, and the virtues were his first ever allegiance.
But he was not there. And if the others had met the same fate as Eternal Sugar... then he has reason to believe that his understanding of the way things had happened had been fundamentally wrong.
All of this, he does not say. Perhaps Pavlova can feel it in his heart, the way that the chains of malice that had once connected the dormant Salt of Solidarity's heart to the other virtues begin to stir. Something akin to grief, to failure spreads through them. But he will not allow it to sway Pavlova's own judgement of him.]
I wanted them to suffer. [The first words come out as a whisper, but everything that follows gains volume. His voice cracks and wanes, verging on something manic and desperate the longer he goes in. He feels himself in that moment, back in the Faerie Kingdom, stained with dough and jam.]
I wanted everyone to suffer the loss and despair I had. My beloved knights were gone, and those that I had stood for had turned against me. I wanted them to know that grief! And know that I would not stand for them to harm any other!
No. [There is a faint crack within his voice.] It is not so simple as that, though you do have the right angle.
[If it were, he would not be here like this. He could rest in his self-righteous belief that he had done the right thing. But Pavlova had exposed a truth that he suspects is not limited to just Eternal Sugar Cookie.]
I suspect my virtue was the first to fail, long before their people turned their wrath upon me. [His jaw clenches faintly.] They were once my friends. But consumed by what I believed my duty to be, I failed to stand in solidarity with my fellow virtues. I lamented when I realized that their soul jam failed to resonate with my own, but how long had it been since they had felt me.
[A breath leaves him, one that quivers at the edges. It is the most he has allowed himself to feel in ages. Aside from the wrath that White Lily had drawn out from him, the last time he had crumbled in such a way was that fateful date.]
I am not happy. I was not then, after losing my people, not when I used myself as the catalyst for this fate. And I know I shall not be happy now. None of this will ever end in joy.
[ He says such bleak things, but Pavlova can see the hopes for happiness that still remain in his heart, whether he believes them attainable or not.
... he sits on the bed, knees drawn up and wings wrapped around his shoulders. ]
You know, when you arrived, I thought I'd gotten another family member. Mother always spoke so warmly about you- I didn't understand why you hated me so much...
I know now, but I have to wonder... where you want to end up? You say it won't end in joy, but then what do you work for?
[ Does he want to try reconciling with Shadow Milk? Does he want nothing to do with either of them past this? Does he even know? ]
[Looking up, staring at Pavlova as he is, Silent Salt cannot help but think of the young cookie back in the barren. He had been so innocent, had looked up to him even as disaster wrapped itself around their beloved home. He knows that it is, in part, a guise. The boy had existed back in the Salt of Solidarity's time. Yet even still, some of that innocence remains in the words that he speaks.
Guilt weighs heavier and heavier upon his heart.]
Obligation. [The answer comes quickly, though with no true determination. It simply is the truth of the matter.] White Lily Cookie needs me in the fight against the Dark Enchantress. [The Beasts also fell within that category, but he does not add as much. That particular mission was now in question, after all. At least as far as he had initially intended it.]
For now, that means keeping her, and the rest of this place she cares for, safe against the Forest. And when we return to Earthbread, I shall be the hand that carries out her will.
[There is no room for his feelings, his wants, in a statement like this. It also reveals nothing about how how he feels these new revelations will impact things back home. It is difficult to think of the impact that far ahead.]
... You know, I asked miss Lily before if she still planned to seal us if we went home. She said she doesn't know if she can. That she doesn't know what the future holds but she wants to keep us safe.
[ Situations here changed things, after all. Gave a different perspective. Not to mention Elder Faerie couldn't go back. ]
A plan is one thing... what you want to happen is another.
[Should he? Perhaps. Will he? It's hard to say. Duty has what kept him going over the past century. It is hard to deviate from that course, lest he find himself rudderless in the sea of his own haunted mind.
He says nothing to that comment, and instead listens to what Pavlova says of White Lily. He is not at all surprised to know that her path had become unclear. Perhaps the Silent Salt that arrived here would have had much to say about that. More still if it was the cookie he was before she stood against him.
Somehow, a faint smile ghosts across the stony pallor of his face.]
White Lily will forge her own path, and I will gladly follow her.
[It's a relatively neutral answer, as far as they go. After all, he had just promised to be her blade. If she chose to stay her hand, then that would also be a choice. He would carry it out, regardless of his own thoughts.
And those thoughts? They are incredibly complicated.]
In the end, what I want does not matter. Until I have made up for my failures, I do not deserve such things.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
... I want... to know why. Why did you trap us all. Was there really no way other than a prison?
[ Did he even try talking to them? He doesn't remember seeing him come around. Sure he was probably busy in the barrens, but...
... well, it doesn't really matter now, but he wants to know. He wants to hear it from him, since he's so keen to take the blame. ]
no subject
In that moment, I felt nothing short of agony. Those that I believed to be my brethren had willingly turned against me, even after I had mourned their loss. And I believed their people, believed you to have been complicit in their actions.
[Now, he has reason to doubt. Not just the actions of the Beasts, but his own as well. If the Sugar of Happiness had succumbed to despair over her own duty, then he should have known it. He was meant to be solidarity, and the virtues were his first ever allegiance.
But he was not there. And if the others had met the same fate as Eternal Sugar... then he has reason to believe that his understanding of the way things had happened had been fundamentally wrong.
All of this, he does not say. Perhaps Pavlova can feel it in his heart, the way that the chains of malice that had once connected the dormant Salt of Solidarity's heart to the other virtues begin to stir. Something akin to grief, to failure spreads through them. But he will not allow it to sway Pavlova's own judgement of him.]
I wanted them to suffer. [The first words come out as a whisper, but everything that follows gains volume. His voice cracks and wanes, verging on something manic and desperate the longer he goes in. He feels himself in that moment, back in the Faerie Kingdom, stained with dough and jam.]
I wanted everyone to suffer the loss and despair I had. My beloved knights were gone, and those that I had stood for had turned against me. I wanted them to know that grief! And know that I would not stand for them to harm any other!
no subject
[ Because of course Solidarity would fall due to something like being spread too thin.
It's not that he doesn't understand, it's just... deeply ironic. Some of them slipping made the others tumble like dominoes. ]
Well, I hope that made you happy, then.
[ He knows it didn't. Short of creating the new virtues, his plan didn't fix the problem. They still got back out, and angrier for the trouble. ]
... As far as my dad goes, I think it affected him the most. He was already lonely.
no subject
[If it were, he would not be here like this. He could rest in his self-righteous belief that he had done the right thing. But Pavlova had exposed a truth that he suspects is not limited to just Eternal Sugar Cookie.]
I suspect my virtue was the first to fail, long before their people turned their wrath upon me. [His jaw clenches faintly.] They were once my friends. But consumed by what I believed my duty to be, I failed to stand in solidarity with my fellow virtues. I lamented when I realized that their soul jam failed to resonate with my own, but how long had it been since they had felt me.
[A breath leaves him, one that quivers at the edges. It is the most he has allowed himself to feel in ages. Aside from the wrath that White Lily had drawn out from him, the last time he had crumbled in such a way was that fateful date.]
I am not happy. I was not then, after losing my people, not when I used myself as the catalyst for this fate. And I know I shall not be happy now. None of this will ever end in joy.
no subject
... he sits on the bed, knees drawn up and wings wrapped around his shoulders. ]
You know, when you arrived, I thought I'd gotten another family member. Mother always spoke so warmly about you- I didn't understand why you hated me so much...
I know now, but I have to wonder... where you want to end up? You say it won't end in joy, but then what do you work for?
[ Does he want to try reconciling with Shadow Milk? Does he want nothing to do with either of them past this? Does he even know? ]
no subject
Guilt weighs heavier and heavier upon his heart.]
Obligation. [The answer comes quickly, though with no true determination. It simply is the truth of the matter.] White Lily Cookie needs me in the fight against the Dark Enchantress. [The Beasts also fell within that category, but he does not add as much. That particular mission was now in question, after all. At least as far as he had initially intended it.]
For now, that means keeping her, and the rest of this place she cares for, safe against the Forest. And when we return to Earthbread, I shall be the hand that carries out her will.
[There is no room for his feelings, his wants, in a statement like this. It also reveals nothing about how how he feels these new revelations will impact things back home. It is difficult to think of the impact that far ahead.]
no subject
[ Obligation is what got you in this mess. ]
... You know, I asked miss Lily before if she still planned to seal us if we went home. She said she doesn't know if she can. That she doesn't know what the future holds but she wants to keep us safe.
[ Situations here changed things, after all. Gave a different perspective. Not to mention Elder Faerie couldn't go back. ]
A plan is one thing... what you want to happen is another.
no subject
He says nothing to that comment, and instead listens to what Pavlova says of White Lily. He is not at all surprised to know that her path had become unclear. Perhaps the Silent Salt that arrived here would have had much to say about that. More still if it was the cookie he was before she stood against him.
Somehow, a faint smile ghosts across the stony pallor of his face.]
White Lily will forge her own path, and I will gladly follow her.
[It's a relatively neutral answer, as far as they go. After all, he had just promised to be her blade. If she chose to stay her hand, then that would also be a choice. He would carry it out, regardless of his own thoughts.
And those thoughts? They are incredibly complicated.]
In the end, what I want does not matter. Until I have made up for my failures, I do not deserve such things.