[To be honest, Salt didn't even expect the acceptance part. He isn't so sure that he deserves it after everything, but he isn't going to argue. He does, however, flinch faintly at the word hate. It is correct, in a manner of speaking. Silent Salt did hate them.
At the time.
Now he doesn't know what he feels. Pity? Remorse? And perhaps, yes, even still a little hate. They had still ruined those that he cared for. But only after he had failed them.
But how to explain that to the boy?]
It was you who helped me realize the error for my ways. To understand that - [His words catch in his throat. Silent Salt does not make a point of weeping, but talking about this makes him ache. Or maybe it's the fact that he is still reeling from Elder Faerie's loss.
But his beloved had wanted to bring them all back together, hadn't he? And so it must be on Silent Salt to begin that process.]
I believed that deceit was the first to take root amongst us. It was not. Silence spread between we virtues. I abandoned solidarity, and thus abandoned my companions to their fate. Were it not for me... [He shakes his head. The grief in his chest begins to twist into something sharper. Uglier.] I failed them, and did not even realize it! Instead, I condemned them to solitude! To let them ROT!
[Only now does he catch himself and... even though he's still kneeling, he shrinks down all the further. Makes himself smaller.]
[ the boy's sandals tap against the hardwood as he grabs something off the bedside table and sets it down.
A box of tissues. ]
You're welcome, I guess..? Given my existence is a product of mother's descent, It probably would have come up eventually.
[ He'd wanted an answer as to why his father didn't come around very often, and why he never stayed at the spire, after all. ]
I love my parents, but they'd already been struggling back then. I'd always wondered why the rest of our family never visited...
[ He shakes his head lightly. No point dwelling on it, was there? ]
I guess the hard part of this for me was just... learning there really is nothing outside the Garden waiting for me. No one would care. No one would listen. I'd just be another beast to others, and other beasts would sooner kill me than help.
[Admittedly, Salt stares at the box in confusion for a moment. He has not yet shed a tear. They could easily be blinked away. But then he seems to realize that... the boy was still kind to him, even in spite of what Silent Salt had done. For some reason that digs the claws in deeper.
He takes a tissue, if only to hide his face behind it. For the best, considering the way the rest of Pavlova's words rip through him.]
Perhaps... it need not be that way. White Lily has already stated her intentions to not strike back at the Beasts in the way we originally meant to. [Well, not so much we, considering. But still.]
We may yet be saved. I believed Shadow Milk to be the worst of us, and yet even he has been changed. The others may follow suit.
That's assuming we remember any of this when we go back. Who knows what shape the world is even in with two ancient-beast pairs here?
[ If time isn't stopped somehow they're toast. If they're sent back exactly where they were, who's to say they'll remember anything? There's so much up in the air he can't trust empty platitudes. He isn't stupid. ]
[Both are valid points. He will not pretend either of them have not crossed his mind. More, he does not want to dwell on them. THere is a lot he doesn't want to think about, when it comes to returning.]
... You are not alone, in that regard.
[Not only would returning mean the loss of Elder Faerie, but the idea of forgetting all the work he had already done... It makes him uneasy. Much as he hates the knowledge of being complicit in what happened to the virtues, it is better than the delusion he held before.]
Would that I could offer you more than - [A scoff, bitter and broken.] - solidarity.
[ As ironic as that is. But it's true, banding together like this... it's all they can do against the threats they face here. Especially in cases like these. ]
... So you admit your part in all of this, but you know, I can still see your ties to the others.
[ He can see the pain, the resentment. He can see that while his feelings shifted, there's still distaste there. ]
What did you want from me? What's the point of apologizing to me? I don't get it.
[Pavlova mentions those ties, and rather than shirk away, Silent Salt cannot help but be curious. What did they look like now that they were no longer clouded with sheer hate? It was true that he still held some blame toward them, but...
He pushes the thought from his head. Another time. Or perhaps never, if Pavlova saw fit not to speak with him further.]
Should there be a point to an apology? [His head cants.] At least beyond offering a balm to the hurt. If you mean to say that I am doing this because I want something from you, you are sorely mistaken.
I only wish to make even a fraction of headway in righting the wrongs wrought by my hand.
Apologies... don't hold much weight in the Garden.
[ He winces slightly. No, he's seen many apologies fall on deaf ears. If it was to the point you had to apologize, it meant you were likely headed to a fate worse than death already. ]
I guess I'm just not used to them being any more than placating... And knowing you locked us up just confuses me. I don't know if you hate me or not, or what I'm supposed to do.
[Because he never bothered to visit, did he? To investigate for himself and explore the rumors there. No, he had left those of the Garden as he had the others.
He shakes his head.]
While I do not know what I feel for my fellow Beasts anymore, I know that I do not hate you. And I do not wish for you to believe that I have any ill intent toward you, either.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
At the time.
Now he doesn't know what he feels. Pity? Remorse? And perhaps, yes, even still a little hate. They had still ruined those that he cared for. But only after he had failed them.
But how to explain that to the boy?]
It was you who helped me realize the error for my ways. To understand that - [His words catch in his throat. Silent Salt does not make a point of weeping, but talking about this makes him ache. Or maybe it's the fact that he is still reeling from Elder Faerie's loss.
But his beloved had wanted to bring them all back together, hadn't he? And so it must be on Silent Salt to begin that process.]
I believed that deceit was the first to take root amongst us. It was not. Silence spread between we virtues. I abandoned solidarity, and thus abandoned my companions to their fate. Were it not for me... [He shakes his head. The grief in his chest begins to twist into something sharper. Uglier.] I failed them, and did not even realize it! Instead, I condemned them to solitude! To let them ROT!
[Only now does he catch himself and... even though he's still kneeling, he shrinks down all the further. Makes himself smaller.]
I... ought to thank you, for opening my eyes.
no subject
A box of tissues. ]
You're welcome, I guess..? Given my existence is a product of mother's descent, It probably would have come up eventually.
[ He'd wanted an answer as to why his father didn't come around very often, and why he never stayed at the spire, after all. ]
I love my parents, but they'd already been struggling back then. I'd always wondered why the rest of our family never visited...
[ He shakes his head lightly. No point dwelling on it, was there? ]
I guess the hard part of this for me was just... learning there really is nothing outside the Garden waiting for me. No one would care. No one would listen. I'd just be another beast to others, and other beasts would sooner kill me than help.
no subject
He takes a tissue, if only to hide his face behind it. For the best, considering the way the rest of Pavlova's words rip through him.]
Perhaps... it need not be that way. White Lily has already stated her intentions to not strike back at the Beasts in the way we originally meant to. [Well, not so much we, considering. But still.]
We may yet be saved. I believed Shadow Milk to be the worst of us, and yet even he has been changed. The others may follow suit.
no subject
[ If time isn't stopped somehow they're toast. If they're sent back exactly where they were, who's to say they'll remember anything? There's so much up in the air he can't trust empty platitudes. He isn't stupid. ]
... I'm scared to go back there.
no subject
... You are not alone, in that regard.
[Not only would returning mean the loss of Elder Faerie, but the idea of forgetting all the work he had already done... It makes him uneasy. Much as he hates the knowledge of being complicit in what happened to the virtues, it is better than the delusion he held before.]
Would that I could offer you more than - [A scoff, bitter and broken.] - solidarity.
no subject
[ As ironic as that is. But it's true, banding together like this... it's all they can do against the threats they face here. Especially in cases like these. ]
... So you admit your part in all of this, but you know, I can still see your ties to the others.
[ He can see the pain, the resentment. He can see that while his feelings shifted, there's still distaste there. ]
What did you want from me? What's the point of apologizing to me? I don't get it.
no subject
He pushes the thought from his head. Another time. Or perhaps never, if Pavlova saw fit not to speak with him further.]
Should there be a point to an apology? [His head cants.] At least beyond offering a balm to the hurt. If you mean to say that I am doing this because I want something from you, you are sorely mistaken.
I only wish to make even a fraction of headway in righting the wrongs wrought by my hand.
no subject
[ He winces slightly. No, he's seen many apologies fall on deaf ears. If it was to the point you had to apologize, it meant you were likely headed to a fate worse than death already. ]
I guess I'm just not used to them being any more than placating... And knowing you locked us up just confuses me. I don't know if you hate me or not, or what I'm supposed to do.
no subject
[Because he never bothered to visit, did he? To investigate for himself and explore the rumors there. No, he had left those of the Garden as he had the others.
He shakes his head.]
While I do not know what I feel for my fellow Beasts anymore, I know that I do not hate you. And I do not wish for you to believe that I have any ill intent toward you, either.